That one time we found out that everything was about to change

//  Yeah we know, it's about time  //

I can't imagine I will ever forget the moment I found out I was pregnant, but now that the news is totally public, I knew I wanted to blog about it. So friends, if you've already heard this story a million times like some people have, feel free to skip this post ;). But if you want to read about the absolute biggest surprise of my life... read on!

So here's the thing that a lot of people may not know, because honestly it's not one of those things that most people broadcast all over the internet - we've been trying to get pregnant for a LONG time. Like more than a couple years kind of long time, and it's been a seriously stressful, emotional and trying time for me. We went through all of the necessary testing to find out that there was nothing medically stopping us from getting pregnant, which in a way was even more frustrating for me because it just meant that it wasn't happening and I often felt like that was my fault. No matter how badly I wanted it, I had to realize that actually GETTING pregnant was absolutely out of my control - it wasn't something I could plan. In March, we made an appointment with my OB to discuss the potential of going to a fertility clinic, although both of us were fairly certain we didn't want to go that route, especially knowing that we both feel called to adopt at some point whether or not we had our own children. But we made the appointment at her suggestion for early April, and figured it was at least worth hearing the different options. And then when my mom was diagnosed on April 1st I called and cancelled the appointment - the last thing I wanted during that time was the added stress of thinking about fertility treatments. In my mind, getting pregnant was totally on hold.

Fast forward to August 6th, where over lunch I asked Dan to just go to the store and pick up a pregnancy test to be safe. I was about a week late at that point, and Dan had spent the last several days saying he just knew my period was going to come any minute based on how I had been acting (a good indication of my mood around that time of month I suppose) ;)... but nothing was happening besides me saying I was "feeling weird." It's important to note that I've probably spent a couple hundred bucks on pregnancy tests over the last few years getting excited and thinking that MAYBE, just maybe, one would be positive, only to get my period the very next day and end up in tears... so I really didn't think much of it this time considering I'd been in the same position so often before. We grilled for dinner that evening and ate out on the deck together, and after dinner I decided to just take the test and get the usual disappointment over with, so I left Dan outside cleaning the grill and didn't even mention it to him because seriously, it didn't matter because it was OBVIOUSLY going to be negative like every other one had been, right?

Wrong! As I'm sure is pretty clear by now, the test was positive, and I stood there staring at it in disbelief for what felt like forever. I was THRILLED, and ran down the stairs to tell Dan. But, being the hot mess that I usually am, the second I saw him I LOST it and broke down in near hysterics. I called him over and tried to say "It's positive!" but was crying so hard he couldn't understand me. Eventually, I managed to hand him the test and he hugged me and tried to calm me down, but I think I was genuinely in shock. I immediately tried to call Bridget, who happened to be in Greece where it was about 3am, and in hindsight I'm really glad she didn't get my calls because she likely would have thought something was seriously wrong based on how much I was crying. Dan tried desperately to help me relax, but I was in such disbelief I couldn't even sit down. I knew I needed to see my mom right away, so we jumped in the car and he drove us the 25 minutes to their house while I thankfully calmed down a little bit and called Maryrose. 

When we got to my parents' I was shaking, but I managed to say something about how since we've gotten so much bad news lately I figured the second there was good news they would want to hear it... and then I said I was pregnant and started crying AGAIN, along with my mom. My dad was SO excited for us I just loved seeing his reaction, and it was absolutely amazing sharing the news with them right away.

Saying that the last couple months have been a total rollercoaster would be the understatement of the century. My mom's health is a constant concern of mine and she's had a couple good scares and hospital stays since August, I spent those few days in the hospital myself, and we cancelled our Europe trip (between worrying about my mom and then finding out I was pregnant I already didn't think I should go, and then the literal swelling in my brain and vision loss made it pretty clear the trip just wasn't meant to be right now). Thankfully, I've been feeling great the last few weeks and we've been able to really be excited and celebrate the baby that I am affectionately calling The Littlest Lawler. We took a couple days off of work for our anniversary to spend a long weekend together and posted our announcement online - I was floored to see how many people were so happy for us, and really flattered by how many people commented about how lucky this baby will be to have us for parents. (Thanks for all the love!!!) It's been a really special, crazy and emotional time and I am so so SO grateful to go through it with a guy like Dan. He has taken such incredible care of me forever, but especially since this all began, and I am constantly in awe of how lucky I am to be with him. 

I am of course already planning nursery ideas in my head and researching things like strollers and the potential of cloth diapers, so I'm excited to blog about baby things in the coming months. Stay tuned!